I’ve been thinking a lot about blame and guilt lately. I lived with such guilt and incredible shame for so long. It’s weird, but I don’t feel guilty right now. More than anything, there is a sense of relief. Also mixed in is a bit of anxiety and anticipation.
There is some thinking that no one is at fault in this kind of situation. Yes and no. Yes in the fact that I sure didn’t ask to be gay. I most definately didn’t get in the “attracted to men” line at some point out because I wanted to. However, the pain that my wife and my family will experience are going to be my fault. All of this was completely accidental on my part, but that still doesn’t mean the pain isn’t inflicted by me.
You can have a car wreck that is completely an accident, but the police officer still has to assign one of the parties “fault”. They may not have set out of crash into the other car and cause all the damage, but it was their car that did it. I think that is similar here. While culture, societal pressures, familial expectations, and church experiences might have played a part in why I tried to shut down a big part of who I am — I am the one that is bringing this news to my family.
Don’t get me wrong, what I am doing is the RIGHT thing to do. In my case, I had no choice – I couldn’t go on living the way I was. But with the “right” thing comes a whole lot of pain and a ton of future consequences.