Looking in the mirror in May 2011, I uttered the five words that would alter the course of my life. “This is stupid, you’re gay.” Such a simple phrase, actually. It is hard to believe that my resistance to that one truth about myself could wreak such havoc in my life. A lot has happened in the three months since then. At times it feels like I’m in a mixup of the Matrix and Inception — reality seems skewed and the timeline feels sped up.
My wife keeps asking the question, “I sure hope it is worth it.” And by ‘keeps asking the question’, I mean an almost daily grilling. I know she hasn’t had the time that I have had to process. Its as if she thinks that because I’m gay, therefore I’m also a fairy and have some kind of magic wand I can wave to alter reality. Kinda like when the character Cypher decided he preferred the false reality of the Matrix to the real world. Even if I did say “take-back” or “do-over”, it wouldn’t make any difference. This pumpkin will not turn back into a Carriage and the heterosexual slipper I used to wear will never fit again. She made the comment yesterday that it would have been easier going through an actual death. In her mind, at least then you don’t have the corpse walking around to deal with as you learn to cope. I can understand that.
But that question, “I sure hope it is worth it,” lingers in my head. I’m not sure how to approach the question actually. It isn’t like I sat and weighed all the pros and cons of telling a truth like this. I was on the verge of death… almost literally. I realize the implications of my pronouncement. I also saw the implications of my continued repression. At least with the former there is a chance for healing. To continue trying to live the myth of being straight would only push me and everyone around me further into the pit of despair.
It is frustrating, because I know that the worth of coming out will be found for me in actually being alive…being an authentic me for the first time in forever. However, the worth for A and even my kids will be determined by how she responds and recovers from this and how that response is interpreted by my kids. With that, I have little to no control. I’ll admit that part is scary. I can only hope and pray that the beauty and shine of the golden nugget of truth will eventually break through the rough and dirty exterior and replace the allure of the fools gold lie I lived for so many years.