This is stupid, you’re gay.

Looking in the mirror in May 2011, I uttered the five words that would alter the course of my life.  “This is stupid, you’re gay.” Such a simple phrase, actually.  It is hard to believe that my resistance to that one truth about myself could wreak such havoc in my life.   A lot has happened in the three months since then.  At times it feels like I’m in a mixup of the Matrix and Inception — reality seems skewed and the timeline feels sped up.

My wife keeps asking the question, “I sure hope it is worth it.”  And by ‘keeps asking the question’, I mean an almost daily grilling.  I know she hasn’t had the time that I have had to process.  Its as if she thinks that because I’m gay, therefore I’m also a fairy and have some kind of magic wand I can wave to alter reality.  Kinda like when the character Cypher decided he preferred the false reality of the Matrix to the real world.  Even if I did say “take-back” or “do-over”, it wouldn’t make any difference.  This pumpkin will not turn back into a Carriage and the heterosexual slipper I used to wear will never fit again.  She made the comment yesterday that it would have been easier going through an actual death.  In her mind, at least then you don’t have the corpse walking around to deal with as you learn to cope.  I can understand that.

But that question, “I sure hope it is worth it,” lingers in my head.  I’m not sure how to approach the question actually.  It isn’t like I sat and weighed all the pros and cons of telling a truth like this.  I was on the verge of death… almost literally.  I realize the implications of my pronouncement.  I also saw the implications of my continued repression.  At least with the former there is a chance for healing.  To continue trying to live the myth of being straight would only push me and everyone around me further into the pit of despair.

It is frustrating, because I know that the worth of coming out will be found for me in actually being alive…being an authentic me for the first time in forever.  However, the worth for A and even my kids will be determined by how she responds and recovers from this and how that response is interpreted by my kids.  With that, I have little to no control.  I’ll admit that part is scary.  I can only hope and pray that the beauty and shine of the golden nugget of truth will eventually break through the rough and dirty exterior and replace the allure of the fools gold lie I lived for so many years.

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5 responses to “This is stupid, you’re gay.

  1. It IS a tough journey. There are times I look back and wonder . . .
    But then I recall the deep misery I was in, the energy it took to “fake it” pretending I was “fine.” The depression, the self-hatred and shame, the disconnection from others.

    It is and will be tough. But it will get better. It will. Talk to friends, don’t be afraid to ask for support from others.

    Prayers ascend

  2. Thanks so much. Honestly, I’m doing very well. I consider moments of tears as a GREAT thing. I went for years without the ability to even feel that emotion.

    My only concern comes for those around me… and I have to realize that I only have a limited amount of control there.

  3. “Is it worth it” misses the point. For me it was not as if I had a lot of choice. I was married, I realized I was gay, I suppressed it (successfully for a time), suppression didn’t work, I too was falling apart and that part was obvious to my wife. Saying, “Honey I think I’m gay” was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done even though there was no other choice. It was the beginning of an honest journey – not an easy one, but an honest, whole, authentic one.

    Stay centered – you are the same person you were three months, three years and three decades ago – wonderfully and fearfully made.

  4. Terrific blog.

    Your lives are such a whirlwind of change! But I don’t understand why there’s such a rush to separate. You love each other and want to support each other and yet you (or perhaps more accurately, she) wants to run away as quickly as possible? I understand that she wants and needs her family’s support but you seem quite sympathetic and supportive to me. Why not live under the same roof while you both transition?

    And all this talk about death puzzles me. No, it wouldn’t be better if you died. Not even close. Coming to terms with your homosexuality in your mid-30s, when you have a wife and three kids, is certainly a big deal. But it’s not the end of the world either. Your relationship with your wife has changed, and that is better for both of you in the long run, but your relationship is not dead. You will forever bound, at least by the children but hopefully also because you love each other as friends. So this is not death. This is the ugly stage of weaving cocoons as homely caterpillars. When enough time has passed and your spirits are sufficiently healed, you will both emerge as much more beautiful people than before. Your mutual blossoming will benefit yourselves and your kids. The mutual misery you describe is not the environment in which you want to raise your kids. In the long run, being honest and authentic is best for everyone.

    Appropriately mourning a changed (not ended) relationship is both necessary and understandable. These are dark days for both of you. But your wife might feel much better if she spent some time talking to a few straight spouses. So many women spend decades of their life feeling unloved and inadequate, but they don’t know why until they’re 40 or 50 or 60. Very few women can be authentically fulfilled by an intimate relationship with a gay man. Love is NOT enough. Genuine passion is necessary to make them feel special. And when years go by and they are neglected, it takes a heavy, heavy toll. As difficult as this transition is for her, she needs to realize that this is the FAR better option. It’s bizarre to say, but she should be happy right now – happy to have her youth, happy to have a chance to know what it’s like to have a straight man WANT her.

    I’ve written more than enough for now. Thanks for sharing your journey. I look forward to learning much more about you, your family and the road ahead.

    • I wish I could answer this. The one thing I wasn’t expecting was for her to move to Georgia so quickly. However, I know the best thing for everybody is happy healthy dad AND mom. For this reason, I’m trying my best to support her decisions here… even when I don’t agree. Did I think we’d make it another year? Honestly, I had no clue. I knew things were stacked against us, but I was willing to process through some of this together. However, she couldn’t handle the unknown, and I have to accept that. With the move, I see little chance we will ever live under the same roof again.

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